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Tag: #grief

2020 Seniors

Published by Autumn Brooke on March 17, 2020

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This world of ours is in such a crazy place right now that it is hard to plan not just for tomorrow, but even for several hours from now. That is how rapidly things are changing. I think about how I was overwhelmed with how much there was to do and schedule for my family of 7 that I had a huge wall calendar with all our events, plus my purse calendar. This doesn’t count the tasking app on my phone, or the list stuck to the fridge because we have a Senior that had 3 months of deadlines and activities given to us by the school.

He is my firstborn, I have been dreading this time of our life as much as I have been looking forward to it. My baby will graduate High School, the final stepping stone to adulthood.  He has earned it, more then deserves all the fun and excitement that these last few weeks would entail. However, that is not to be the case, as one dance has been canceled, most likely Senior Prom too, and the possibility of not walking for a graduation ceremony.  These activities are rites of passage, I have been talking with him about them since kindergarten. My heart breaks not only for him and all Seniors but for us parents as well. We Did It! We made it this far and deserve to see our babies enjoy these final days of their childhood.

For some, it will be the last time they may ever see their friends as most are headed off to different colleges, vocational schools, or even jobs. School had become a joyous place with special events, breakfasts, award assemblies, activities designed specifically for the Senior class. What happens to the yearbooks, the dated announcements already ordered, for a few around the world Prom was already canceled with clothes never worn. That first dance with a long-time crush never experienced.

I don’t understand, nor do I know how long all of this might last, but I do know that this generation of Seniors is different than my Senior Class. We did not have access to technology and understanding that makes all of you a different breed. A group of adults that will be able to not only fix what we have lost but make it better. We will need you as if you have needed us. I believe in you and our future knowing that you will be the generation of reform and rebuilding.

Class of 2020, you are not forgotten and our heart breaks with you, but at the end of all this chaos, you will be the ones that make the biggest impact!

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Rain Cloud

Published by Autumn Brooke on March 30, 2018

The kids are gone this week for Spring Break and I had a list a mile long that I planned to accomplish not needing to be on their time. As any parent can relate kids not only come with a lot of responsibilities but with a massive schedule. With them away, I was not bound to a routine and planned to put in the work; after I took one day to myself to fully relax in the silence, besides, Sunday is Rest Day. Tomorrow is the last day of the week and I have only managed to cross two items off my list. I woke up this morning chastising myself for my lack of commitment, but I don’t feel a sense of failure, more like the whole week passed me by in a daze. I sort of floated through each day barely eating more than one meal and spending a lot of time in reflection. I have been forced to admit that it is grief and sorrow that haunts me. I knew that I was sad, but I never expected the loss of a pet to be so traumatic.

On the 15th of March we lost our family dog, Cali, after ten years. We spent a lot of time deciding on the “right” dog for our family and she was a perfect fit; calm with the boys when they were small and protective too. About four years ago I knew that she was not getting the activity and attention she needed in our home. Those before mentioned schedules took too much of our time, so we made the difficult decision to have her live with the Grandparents. Although not ideal, she now had another dog to play with and we were still able to visit with her. It never ceased to amaze me how Cali never forgot us, always greeting us with joy and excitement. It was extremely hard to hear that she was losing her fight and passed a few days later.

The reality of losing Cali only brought home the fact that we would soon be losing Rain, our cat of eighteen years. We had expected that he would pass a few times over the years. He was slow to move, losing weight, hearing and sight were also diminishing, but he would rally and prove us all wrong. Chasing birds outside, play fighting with the other house-cats, and demanding of food. However, Rain did start spending more time sleeping in isolation and I told the kids to say their goodbyes before they left for the week. On Monday, the 26th, I was forced to call the kids to give their last words of love, as I held Rain while he took his final breath.

We have lost pets before, which is why I never imagined that this would be as painful but having Rain before I even had children has made it different. His presence is noticeably missing in the house. I have even caught myself looking for him when I feed the other cats or when closing up at night, making sure he isn’t left outside. He was there to purr and settle my spirit when writers block would take over. I depended on him in a way I never realized until he was no longer here. I have heard many refer to their pets as fur babies and I understand that concept better now, but for me, Rain was more of a best friend and confidant, we really grew up together, raised the kids together.

I haven’t yet shed tears over this loss, even without the children here, I am so use to being strong for them that I push all my feelings over a situation away. I am sure that is not healthy, or the “right” way to process emotions, but that is what this post is essentially for. There is no right or wrong way in how people deal with tragic events, I didn’t even bother to share my pet’s passing on facebook, until I decided that it really is words of heart, mind, and soul. I admit that I am deeply hurt and expect that I will be crying right alongside my kids when we put Rain to rest. We have had kitten burials, a dramatic fish funeral, I think there was even one for an ant farm, but this will be one that stays with all of us. A pet that will never be forgotten, a real member of our family. We love you Rain!

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All’s Not Lost

Published by Autumn Brooke on January 26, 2018

The rain falling across the window pane matched the tears in her heart. She refused to actually cry and let teardrops fall from her eyes, but she felt them all the same. The harsh cruel words repeating over and over, it was impossible to erase them from her mind. It was painful but she needed to grieve for what was and what could have been and then let it go. It wasn’t easy, but nothing worth achieving ever is, or so they say. This wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last but she refused to go down this dark road again, it wasn’t healthy. She almost didn’t make it back the last time. Shaking her head to try to clear the negativity she forced herself to get up. A silent scream of “Just Move” took over her being. Go for a walk in the rain, meet the kids at the bus stop, knock on the neighbor’s door and see if she would like some coffee. Do something, anything, she begged herself but it was of no use. She watched herself sit there staring as the rain washed down the glass. It was as if she was trapped inside her own body, the feelings of hurt, guilt, worthlessness weighing her down in a bed of nothingness. She was trying so hard to free herself from the mental chains but they were too heavy.  Her children came home from school, excitedly talking about the events of the day and she acknowledged them with vacant eyes.  She eventually did move, but more as a robot, following the routine of making dinner for her family, greeting her husband, allowing herself to become lost within her own mind. As the days passed the silent scream for help grew dim as those closest to her were unaware that she was trapped in a mental prison. Retreating behind a wall of fake smiles, empty hugs, and meaningless words became normal, as did the tears flooding her heart. 

Maybe some of you can relate to this story from personal experience or you recognize some of the signs in a friend or family member.  Depression is a serious mental health issue that can lead to suicide in 1 out of 10 people.  It is often not recognized by many as the person doesn’t appear sick and may even seem social to most, however, that isn’t always the case day by day or hour by hour. Depression doesn’t discriminate by race, gender, or age but you can make a difference. Be actively involved if you suspect that someone might be struggling and find them help before it’s too late. Be kind, gentle, and supportive because what they feel is very real and your words or your presence may be all they need at that moment.

“You can #BeThe1 To help someone in crisis. You don’t have to be a mental health professional to help someone in your life that may be struggling. Learn the Lifeline’s 5 steps that you can use to help a loved one that may be in crisis.” http://www.bethe1to.com

“The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We’re committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.”  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org  or Call 1-800-273-8255

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Gift of Life

Published by Autumn Brooke on October 3, 2017

In the last few weeks we have been suffering with multiple tragedies as a Nation, many disastrous events in our own Country.  For some of you these were literally in your own backyard, or like me, you had loved ones that were affected or involved so it hits closer to home.  I had friends trapped by the flooding in Texas during Hurricane Harvey, and family in Florida forced to endure days without power during Hurricane Irma.  My Aunt and Uncle were among the mass of people at the Route 91 concert in Las Vegas, fortunate to escape.  I am grateful that everyone I know personally is safe by all accounts in all these situations; however there are many victims and families of victim’s still enduring loss, fear, pain.  Scrolling through social media the posts were at first full of shock and wonder at how the world could be so evil, but quickly escalated to an uprising in anger, judgment and condemnation.  Close friends are literally posting hateful posts with words like “Delete Me, If you don’t like my Opinion” and/or the equivocal “Our opinions differ; I am right so you must be wrong!”  Or a few have gone on a rant, spewing expletives and casting blame, all which is unnecessary.  Instead of coming together as a people, we divide, taking sides in a controversy that will never be won.  Political Agendas, Conspiracy Theories, Protests for Social Injustice, and a fight for Amendment Rights has caused such a rift amongst friends, brothers, co-workers, that  we are literally creating the groundwork for another civil war.  The animosity tears at my soul so that I actively seek out the good to balance myself, to restore my hope in humanity.  Let the benevolence of the helpers, professional or community driven, outweigh the disheartened.  Take comfort in the patience of those that stood in line for hours to donate blood for the victims. Literally giving the Gift of Life, because when it comes right down to it, WE ALL BLEED THE SAME BLOOD!  When donating or receiving there is no box to check for race, ethnicity, nationality, or political affiliation.  We are simply a Blood Type and all humans share that common factor.  Our world is built on diversity and inclusion, meaning differences and embracement; it is why we are proud to be Americans. Yes, there are race relations and social justices, all deserving of their own discussion, but for now, let’s learn how to embrace our diversion with dignity.  In the wake of the horrific events that are still unfolding, let us be kind to one another.  Mr. Rogers says it best, “It’s very dramatic when two people come together to work something out. It’s easy to take a gun and annihilate your opposition, but what is really exciting to me is to see people with differing views come together and finally respect each other.”

― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

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Neverending Journey

Published by Autumn Brooke on May 28, 2017

Do any of us actually reach our final destination?  I hope not, as even in our passing or final resting place, I can only hope that our purpose will continue to live on and inspire others.  As we come into Memorial Day Weekend and I think of our fallen men and women that have given their lives for our country, I can only find it fitting that today is the 81st Anniversary of the RMS Queen Mary’s first international crossing from Southampton to New York.  A year ago, I shared my amazing experience as a guest for her 80th Anniversary Celebration of this iconic maiden voyage and this blog is inspired by the social media posts that I am seeing to remind me of such a glorious weekend.

However, my viewpoint of this day, this weekend is more vast then I originally ever credited and I feel the need to share my thoughts with you.  This ship holds a special place in my heart for many reasons and in getting to know her, I most admire her service to this country during WWII.  In my research, I agree with Sir Winston Churchill that laid claim to his opinion that had it not been for her continued transports of troops we may not have won that war.  This December will be the 50th anniversary of Queen Mary’s final docking in Long Beach, Calif.

However, I do not find this to be her final destination because her journey continues in educating the masses in world history.  She unfortunately had the military honor of bringing men that may not have been able to walk themselves down the gangplank as they reached home soil, but their story was not over….. for their final destination gave birth to a story to be told for history.  Their lives mattered, so much so that we continue to celebrate their lives and sacrifice today.

The books and movies that we read or view don’t give justice to all that they encountered, but they do give us hope and should encourage us to strive for greatness in all that we do.  In actuality what comes to my mind is the Core Values that were instilled within me as a member of our Armed Forces and I hope to Inspire in Others …Integrity first, Service before self, and Excellence in all we do. These are the Air Force Core Values.

What it breaks down to is that the journey is never over.  Little by little, Step by step, Move forward, Always move forward……  Reach that Goal, That Destination, but don’t ever stop, for once you recognize that the Journey is never over… you will realize that it was never about you in the first place.  Our lives exist for our future generations.  Leave a good Legacy and appreciate the lives that have journeyed before you.

My mission is to Fly, Fight, and Win. I am faithful to a Proud Heritage, A Tradition of Honor, And a Legacy of Valor. I am an American Airman. Guardian of Freedom and Justice, My Nation’s Sword and Shield, Its Sentry and Avenger.

airman’s creed – AF.mil

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Letter to Heaven

Published by Autumn Brooke on May 12, 2016

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This is a different type of blog for me, but after realizing that today was the One Year Anniversary of my blog and that my first post was one for my mother, the following felt appropriate to share…..

A few months ago, I lost a mentor to a long, but courageous, fight to cancer.  Watching her journey was awe inspiring as I had always admired her but now witnessed her strength on a completely different level.  About a week ago her husband made a Facebook post about how he had taken the time to write her a Heavenly Letter as recommended by his grief counselor and how he found it extremely therapeutic.  It struck a chord within me as the anniversary of my mother’s passing was also quickly approaching.  I still have such a wide range of emotions when I think about her that I thought the idea of communicating them through not just words, but a personal letter, might be just the trick to help release some of the pent up grief, frustration, sorrow I feel when it comes to her.  I do not think that there is or should be a time limit to grief, especially as I don’t believe that it ever really ends.  I believe that we just learn how to better cope, and sometimes mask the pain until we can deal with it.  Some days are just going to be better then others and that is okay, as long as we make a point to continue living and find joy again in the world around us.

I am going to share my letter with all of you.  I think it did help a little bit as I enjoyed the feeling of talking to her, but I know that I did not fully vent all of my emotion.  I am sure that I will try the letter thing again, but maybe not anytime soon as it does bring a lot of feelings rushing back.  I’m in the process of learning how to use those vast emotions for good.  I want to help other people know that we are never fully alone, somewhere there is someone feeling just as you feel and that there is Healing within Communication.  We need to reach out and draw strength from one another.  Isn’t that essentially what Facebook and blog posts are…?  A social media site to connect with other likeminded individuals?

Dear Mom,

          This Saturday, 14 May 2016 it will be three years since you left us.  I try not to dwell on how much you are missing here on earth, but that can be easier said than done.  I am often told how you are happier in Heaven but honestly that never makes me feel better.  Actually if I am completely honest, that thought makes me a bit angry.  I don’t want you to be happier in Heaven, I want you to be here with us.  I want to talk to you, I want to see you, and I want you to be there for all the boys’ events and life milestones, no matter if they are big or small.  I hate that you left us so soon, and even more so when I know that I never got the chance to say Goodbye.  Maybe I am being selfish, but I don’t care, I think that in this situation I am allowed to be unreasonable and selfish.  I just want to have you back in my day to day life.  You used to be the first person that I called when I was upset, scared, confused, or happy.  I miss your advice, your jokes, and even your bad days.  I know that things got hard in the end and that I was often frustrated with you.  I am sorry for that, it was really never you, but the circumstances.  I know that you were just as frustrated at being trapped in a body that no longer worked as your mind did and that is my only silver lining in knowing that you are no longer in your earthly body. 

I miss you everyday mom, and I pray that you can are able to see my accomplishments and even my sorrows.  To feel that you are still present in my life and supporting me from Heaven helps.  You were always my biggest cheerleader and fan.  You were the first to teach me the concept of Unconditional Love which is the best gift you gave me in life. 

I love you and hope that I will continue to make you proud as I celebrate your life and honor you by being the very best Me that I can be! 

Forever Your Girl………..

 

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Love & Loss

Published by Autumn Brooke on May 15, 2015

Today is the two year anniversary of my mother’s passing and I have debated all day about posting or what to post.  I didn’t want to write and share only words of sadness.  It was then that it occurred to me that every one has a tale of woe, some much worse or sadder than others, but that is what connects us all as people.  I thought about the response that I received on my Mother’s Day Tribute blog and realized that is where my voice is, what gives me the strength to write from my heart, mind, and soul.  I share, and hope that people identify with what it is that I have to say and maybe it will bring joy or solace to those that read it.  So, with that being said, I found a piece of myself today and may not be nearly as lost in my loneliness as I assume, because we all have loved or lost in some form, some way, at sometime.  I have posted before on my mother’s page that ‘I’m not trying to learn how not to miss you, I’m trying to learn how to live life while missing you’ and that has become a mantra for my life that I would like to give to others dealing with how to move on.  I cannot go a day without something reminding me of my mother and I am okay with that because the things that drove me the most crazy about her are the things that I miss today.  She instilled greatness in me by all the good works she did, and although she set the bar high with her expectations, I will live up to her standard, knowing in all that I do, I follow in her footsteps, hoping that when my time on this earth is done, that I too, leave a legacy for others to follow or learn from.

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